My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
he was correct
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”