Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.