My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Have a lovely day 😊
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
How is it still this week?
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping