Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

#gardening

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

🤣🤣🤣

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.