My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Oh hi lol
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
2022: I can fix it
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.