My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.