My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*pronounces fake like saké*
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt