Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Ghost costume 😂

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!