Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.