Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

We know he can swim but…

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.