My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!