Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

S/o to @funTweeters .

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Hamburger Hinderer.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING