Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog