My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
liiiiiiiiike
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.