My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?