My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
no
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me and the Superbowl rn
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find