My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
this is a sign that you need a union
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground