My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.