My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
The happy life.. 😊
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.