Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.