My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

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Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…


Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.


Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.


I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.


ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.


Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.


When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.


BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job


“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom