Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.