@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

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@djdarrellripley

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

@dxblarssonENG

I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.

@QwertyJones3

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

@underchilde

Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.

@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@fro_vo

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

@batkaren

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom