My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
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Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person