@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

You Might Also Like

@iRowlf

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@chuuew

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@daddydoubts

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

@elle91

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.