Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Carpe DM

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

thanksgiving should be called feaster

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.