Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

The news in a nutshell.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

🏠

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.