My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]