Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.