Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why