My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere