Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?

Mugshot photographer: No

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

Somebody’s lying.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?