My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
why does this building look like a guilty dog
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.