My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Ugh
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.