My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Choose your fighter
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.