My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
😂😂😂
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”