MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Spotted in the wild
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Happy Thanksgiving
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
