Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.