My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
bout dat hot dog summer