My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
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Donkey Kong sommelier
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Happy thanksgiving!
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
🤣🤣
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
a lot to unpack here
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.