Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

I gave up going to work for lent.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

😭😭😭

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

😭😭

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Customer is always right

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?