My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.