Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.