My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice