My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper