My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Is….Is this an option?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no