My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.