“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Netflix and awkward silence?