“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Good morning!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
A bold strategy
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”