“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Me recordaron éste meme
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I have two kinds of followers
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop