Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.