Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

BOSS: You’re late again today

ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.

Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.