[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
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God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.