Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

My god she’s good.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.