My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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thats my bad
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Employees must applaud the planets.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.