Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

It’s that simple 👊🏻

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

Had a spot of bother earlier.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.