My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT