My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”