My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Bloody internet 😳
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No