[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Brilliant!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.