Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

Air pods looking like an angry frog

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Trumpy Cat