[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
What?!?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Dear Lord..
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
#CoronaOutbreak
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you