[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.