My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?