My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what