My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.