My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Oceanography is all about current events
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Got ya covered
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”