my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
Ugh
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The opposite of goth is stopth.