my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
i love modern commerce
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore