My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.