Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

me linking you to my twitter

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

*changing sex positions*

ok now let’s do a silly one

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

I only eat vegetarians.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite