My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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Friday
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
How software testing works
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Had an epiphany today.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.