Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

I really had high hopes for this year though

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late