My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met