My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”