My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.