Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.