My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”