My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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#MeanwhileinCanada
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.