Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

Creative Problem Solving

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook